right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
