how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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