Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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