sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
