A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize