Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
