Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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