he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
