I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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