Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
