i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
