stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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