Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
