I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize