This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize