I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
