Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
