I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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