they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
