I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
