Just fell off a train. Bad.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize