What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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