M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
