No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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