the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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