I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
