she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
