The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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