I think im going to throw up on grandma
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
