There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
