Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
