The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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