my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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