is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
