Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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