I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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