I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So much rum. So many feels.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
