I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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