I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
