my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
