Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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