I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
