You're a womanizer and a bitch.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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