I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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