he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
