Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
