also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Randomize
