I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
