I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
