If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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