Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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