From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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