I want to walk on stilts...naked
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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