the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
