Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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