I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
