we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
