stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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