Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
