so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
