You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
