God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize