i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
