I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
