My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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