Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
as a side note pls kill me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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