OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
