I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
