next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I could make wine with my vomit
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
